Heather Rainbow

Is adoption still the greatest? Even when they close you off completely?

10 Aug 2010 17 Comments

by heatherrainbow in adoption loss, fighting adoption systems, fighting false adoption perspectives, preventing adoption

Several of my friends are experiencing hard times. Adoptions that were once promised to be opened, have closed. Some of them are getting involved in legal battles, for others, they lack the paperwork for a case. They are all going through similar emotions. The ultimate question…

If you love (child) so much, how could you do this to (him/her)?

“This” meaning of course, lying to their mother / father, and ultimately cutting them off from their history, their ancestry, their identity, from a family that loves them.

I remember this feeling so well. And, as I recounted my experience with my daughter’s kidnappers, the answer was too obvious. They don’t care about our children. They do not love our children. They lied to us from the very beginning, then they coddled us until we thought it was going to be okay, and then they slipped the rug beneath us.

In my situation, they lied to me from the very beginning. They told me that they would keep her name (and referred to her with the name I gave her for 8 years in letters). They told me I could meet her, and have visits. They stated they would keep me in the loop of her life until she was 18. They lied, because they sure as heck didn’t care about me, and they sure as heck don’t care about my daughter now. They say they do, but they say it without feeling.

There have been discussions over different places where young mothers who have placed their children for adoption. These young mothers are stating how adoption was the best thing for them, how they had no regrets. They say that they love their child, they say that they hurt from not being in their life, but that they were still glad they placed. I saw some with children just a year and a half stating they encouraged other moms to place their children. This is wrong on so many levels!!!

To these young moms, I say this… stop catering to the adoptive parents. Start opening up honest communication. Some adoptive parents are good people, but not all of them are. Some planned on closing the doors when the child was 3, 5, 7, and so on. They planned it from the beginning, and no amount of convincing other moms to place, no amount of your own internal suffering without your child will make any influence. The less you are able to truly communicate to them the more likely you are being set up. Do you have their personal phone number? Their address? Are you near them? Do you have the names of their family members? Their medical history? How much are they willing to share with you? The less they are open, the more likely that door will inevitably close. There is no legally binding contracts that protect openness in adoption.

Maybe it was the best thing you could do. But here is a question. What if the adoptive parents stop sending you pictures? What if they stop the visits? What if they stop calling or emailing you? What if they cut off contact completely, and suddenly you are thrown into the abyss of not knowing anything about your child? Would adoption still have been the best thing for you and your child?