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Protected: My Mother’s Day…

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The crying never ends

Ever since I miscarried my baby, Luz, on Easter Sunday, I’ve been severely depressed. I’ve cried on and off the whole time, going between numbness, to utter pain. Ever since April 25th, I’ve been crying Every Single Day. And, not just crying a little bit, but bawling my eyes out. April 25th is when I started my new moon cycle, the first one since losing Luz. It gets so bad, that I have to really try HARD to stop crying so that I can go to my part time job and work. This is the 13th day of constant crying.

I know that this miscarriage has affected me on a number of different levels. I’ve again lost everything all over again. I am single again. I was alone during the pregnancy, the miscarriage, and thereafter. For which I can’t forgive. I’ve lost my best friend. And I lost my baby. And, I lost the hope that I will ever be a mother. Oh Mother’s Day is fast approaching.

I know, I know… I am a mother to my daughter who is lost out there in the world. But, while I know this intellectually, I do not know it Emotionally. I am not there for her. I was not able to be strong enough to keep my daughter, to guard against the evil doctors lawyers and agency workers while I was medicated up in the hospital. If I was not strong enough to keep her, I should not have the privilege of being called her mother.

And, if I am not strong enough in body and spirit to keep from losing my baby Luz, then I should not have the privilege of being his mommy either.

And, while I have been pregnant, and carried a child full term, there are no little ones around me. No 10 year old here with me.

Instead, she is somewhere out in the world. Smiling for a camera. But her eyes are sad. Her posture is sad. And I can’t hold her. I can’t console her.

And, my baby Luz has been buried, and is unable to know what life is about. Because I am not strong enough.

And now, I am completely alone. And I am revisiting the thoughts of 10 years ago, when I realized that I was not a mother, and that I never would be.

(Please do not write about how I should attempt to go on anti depressants. I have a number of friends who have tried anti depressants, and they are very unhappy with them, because they have had severe side effects after attempting to go off, and while attempting to go back on. Also, I am depressed and fucked up because society has taken my child, as well as numerous other things, and I will not pretend that it can be fixed by taking a pharm drug and acting happy about this life.)

 

Miscarry

April 20, 2008

The Love we had,
so intense
It created life.
How quickly,
it Miscarries.
How quickly
You forget about me.

The good times,
Don’t compare,
To the cold comforts
Of the past.

And so I am letting
Go of you.
Of the love I
had for you.
I’m not giving up
On love,
Just letting go
Of you.