Taking Care of Other People’s Emotions
15 Apr 2011 6 Comments
in healing, my story, relationships
I have this problem a great deal of the time. I take care of other people’s emotions.
I had a problem with a friend the other day. Apparently I didn’t respond to something that she had wanted me to. At first, I was all trying to defend myself. This is why I said this, this is why I didn’t say all that, this is my explanation / excuse / etc.
Really, honestly, it was a very petty issue. It didn’t need defending. After all of my explanations, it was determined it wasn’t a good enough excuse. That somehow, I needed to be more, have better answers, do something else that honestly, I would have no way of being able to know what or if I could do it. It’s a challenge to do the impossible.
Finally, I responded and said, I can’t do this any more. I can’t walk on broken glass. I need to be able to just Be myself.
This is what happens after being abused, whether by a person or a system. This is what happens when we feel guilty, or somehow responsible for the outcomes of things that really we had no control over. It’s a way of trying to get control over a situation we have no control over.
I’m done with it. This was my experience in my short term semi open adoption experience. I tried to please them in any and every way I could. I asked things nicely. I tried to give space. I tried to be direct and open. And when they failed to answer my questions, when they failed to let me visit, see, talk to my daughter, I somehow thought it was something I did. Maybe my poems weren’t good enough. Maybe I didn’t say everything exactly right. Maybe I did something wrong.
But the truth of it? It wasn’t my fault. And, it’s not my fault when people attack me over something I did or didn’t say.
So, I am walking away from this theology of TCOPE. I will not be made into the role of the girl who has to walk on glass pieces. I am not going to be responsible for other people’s issues.
I have my own life to live.
Apr 15, 2011 @ 23:15:01
Wow!!! Great post but freaky! I only had a similar problem on my other FB page last week and it really upset me. Good on you for deciding to walk away. I on the other hand, conformed and it has been irking me ever since.
But you are so right. Why should we take care of others’ emotions when it is never done to us? The old age adage of “Do unto others…” no longer applies to so many people as they take and take and take and never seem to give back.
You have to do what is right for you Heather and look after you at the end of the day; because if we don’t take care of ourselves, no one else will. Thanks for the reminder.
Love you!!
Apr 18, 2011 @ 17:10:05
Strange synchronicity ((Myst)). Maybe we are all on the same wavelength? Or, Great Minds Think Alike? Or we are coming together and empowering each other in spirit. D) All of the above.
Apr 16, 2011 @ 17:55:13
***And when they failed to answer my questions, when they failed to let me visit, see, talk to my daughter, I somehow thought it was something I did. Maybe my poems weren’t good enough. Maybe I didn’t say everything exactly right. Maybe I did something wrong.***
Oh Heather,
I am so sorry. That is such an awful way to have to live.
I’m glad you’ve come to the point where you can stand up for yourself and be honest with who you are without having to worry about other’s emotions.
It’s not fair for anybody to ever expect another to live such a way. We all deserve the right to be who we are!
Apr 18, 2011 @ 17:17:19
Exactly! Thank you for the affirmation!
I’m grateful that I have come to this point. It’s quite freeing. And, all of the crap they spew at me, about how I’m a freak, jerk, selfish, I’m hurting my daughter because I exist and try to take on the title of mother, that, well, I don’t need to take on their baggage. They severed me from my daughter. What they fail to realize, is that I’m living my life for me. My writing, my struggles, my life, is about me. Not them. I love my daughter, but I am not doing this for her anymore either. They used all of that manipulation a long time ago, “Think of E, think of E,”, well, that’s the rhetoric that got me into this mess. If I had thought about myself to begin with, we would have been just fine. My life is about me now.
Apr 18, 2011 @ 15:03:00
I found TCOPE one of the most difficult habits to break, but one of the best investments I’ve ever made in myself. I’m pulling for you!
Apr 18, 2011 @ 17:07:49
Thanks!
Yes, the difficulty is that when discussing adoption issues, we generally have to TCOPE or do basic education on adoption loss issues, or simply not ever talk about it. I’m thinking maybe I’ll just start printing out a flyer if someone says something stupid, and that way they can just read it and I can just walk away.